Should I divorce to save us both from an unhappy marriage
My wife is from the same area my parents grew up while I grew up in the West. We live with my parents while I struggle to save up for our own home. We’re very different in how we grew up, how we want to raise our kids and how we practice our deen. We both have good and bad habits and lots of happy, sad and angry memories. Even though we both tried to keep the marriage going…were both constantly arguing/unhappy with the other. She basically wants more from me than I can give her in the dunya (wealth, house, comfort and affection) and I want more from her than she can give me for the akhira (praying more, backbiting less, raising our child more islamically than we were raised).
We both want to give the other more of what they want but over the years we’ve grown apart and neither of us is happy. Although we live in same house we sleep in different rooms. I don’t know how this got so bad but if it wasn’t for our child I think we would already have divorced. I feel as if were holding each other back from happiness and more nad more thinking divorce would be best for us both. Whatever our situation I don’t think she would want that and I’m sure it would hurt her a lot.
I have never cheated or have wanted to although I know someone personally who I would can see a future with but it’s taking over my thoughts that I would be happier with her and if I could marry her I would but the guilt is breaking me. I don’t want to sin or earn Allah’s anger. I’m looking for advice on what to do. should I pray for Allah to keep us together? or pray we divorce with a good relationship for our child? Pray that Allah keeps this other person out of my thoughts. If we do divorce, I have no bad feeling for my wife and want her and our child to be able to live with my parents if they want, I’ll move out. Is this allowed? Or if I help pay for their living costs elsewhere. this is all difficult for everyone but inshallah you can give me something to settle my heart so I know I’m doing the best I can? if I’m wrong I’ll change but I just don’t know what’s right and wrong here?
Answer
Assalāmuʿalaykum Wa Raḥmatullāhi Wa Barakātuh
It will be best for you to discuss this matter with your wife.
The two of you should come to a conclusive decision on whether or not each of you wants the marriage to work out or not.
If both of you wish to continue living together and want the marriage to work, then a concerted effort should be made in this regard, in which case the assistance of an upright and religious counselor or mediator may be sought.
If either one of you is not happy to be in the marriage and would like to move on, then also to seek the assistance of such a counselor or mediator to assist with the way forward, ensuring that each one understands the implications thereof, weighing the situation against the outcome, and preventing any ill-feelings from arising.
If both of you feel that there is no need for a counselor or mediator and things can be mutually handled with respect and dignity, whilst not allowing any emotions to disrupt the decision-making process, then that will be in order.