My potential Spouse has been engaged, can I do Isthikhara now?
Question
There is this guy that I’ve always felt like he’s the one. I feel peace and calm whenever I see him or think of him. Even my sister and dad felt like he’s the right one for me. (My mom died when I was 18)
We waited for three years for his parents to ask my hand, but last week, his parents engaged him to some other girl.
Now I am blaming my father and starting to hate him because he never asked this guy to marry me, instead he always told him “go get married, you’re getting old” as if I have no interest in the guy, even after dad knew I loved him so much. Now I’m getting thoughts like, breaking their engagement or reading Wazifa’s to break their engagement. But I know that’s haram and shirk.
So I thought about doing Isthikhara today thinking that if he is truly the right person for me then Allah will bring him to me, if not then he won’t. because I keep feeling attraction towards him and I have decided I want to marry him, but I never proceeded to ask him or his parents. I truly just want a peaceful married life. So my question is, will Allah consider my Isthikhara now because the guy is already engaged now? Or am I too late? Should I have done the Isthikhara earlier?
And no, he’s not my boyfriend or anything, he’s a far away relative from my father’s side, and father likes him alot, that’s probably why I like him too. But I don’t want to blame father saying that because he didn’t asked the guy, the guy went away, I want to know that it was Allah’s decision to move him away from me and not humans meddling. So will Isthikhara be valid in this situation?
Answer
Wa‘alaykum as-salām wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuhu,
My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. May Allāh grant her Jannah.
It is understandable that you seek a peaceful and happy marriage, especially after such a loss. Feeling disappointment and confusion in such circumstances is natural. Here are some considerations and advice to help navigate your feelings and decisions:
- Acceptance of Allāh’s Decree: Understand that the plan of Allāh unfolds in ways that may not always align with our desires. Trust in His wisdom and knowledge of what is ultimately best for you, even if it’s difficult to comprehend right now.
- Processing Emotions: Allow yourself to grieve and process your emotions in a healthy manner. Avoid suppressing negative feelings and use this experience as an opportunity for emotional healing.
- Avoid Blame: While it is natural to seek reasons or blame others when things don’t go as hoped, harboring resentment towards your father or anyone else may intensify your pain. Remember that everyone acts based on their understanding and circumstances.
- Guidance through Istikhārah: Istikhārah is a means to seek guidance from Allāh in decision-making, especially in uncertain situations. You may still perform Istikhārah now, despite the situation having progressed. If he is not meant for you, Allāh will avert your mind from him.
- Avoid Un-Islamic Practices: It is essential to refrain from un-Islamic practices, such as attempting to disrupt someone else‘s engagement through Waḍīfahs or other means. Trusting in Allāh’s plan and seeking His guidance through Istikhārah is the proper Islamic approach.
- Patience and Trust: Have patience and trust in the timing and plans of Allāh. What may seem like a setback could be a protection or a path to something better that we cannot foresee. Continue making Du‘ā (supplication) for what is best for you.
- Moving Forward: Focus on emotional and spiritual healing. Find solace in prayer and support from loved ones. Consider seeking advice from a trusted mentor or counselor to help process your feelings constructively.
- Learning from Experience: Use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and reflection. Reflect on lessons learned about yourself, your expectations, and your approach to relationships. This introspection can guide future decisions and interactions.
In conclusion, Istikhārah remains a valuable tool for seeking clarity and guidance, even after significant events have unfolded. Trust in Allāh’s plan, practice patience, and seek support from those who care about your well-being. Remember, Allāh knows what is best for us, even when we may struggle to understand His wisdom.
May Allāh grant you clarity, peace, and guidance during this challenging time.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala knows best.