How to seek forgiveness for Nashukri (unthankful)
Question
I wasn’t a good Muslim, but I fell for this woman, and I really wanted her, I was so down that I started pleading for her in Tahajjud, every morning I started asking Allah to make her part of my life lawfully and under the law of Islam, I was crying and I was pleading, I was doing this a lot, a lot, some days passed away, though I still kept her in my prayers, but I started talking to someone because it was taking a toll on my mind. Slowly slowly, I started liking this person, and I proposed her, she initially said no, but told me that she will let me know if she will start feeling things, though we started becoming a lot closer to each other, meanwhile I had left messages to that person, when she was stranger to me and I hadn’t met this woman, and then later on we started texting a little bit when I had only met this woman online and we only started talking. then I started talking to this woman a lot, and I started feeling for her, meanwhile I was receiving texts and responses from other woman too for whom I was pleading a lot, but I wasn’t giving them much attention, because I started liking this one a lot, and I was feeling as whole new man with her, and I almost cut off my connection with the other woman, the woman I was crying for. Now after a long while the situation is, this woman wants to leave me too, and I don’t want her too, I am doing Tahajjud again and a lot more pleading, a lot more other things, But I am thinking that this is coming back to me as Azaab of Naashukri, though the thing is, my heart was innocent in this scenario, because I waited for that woman and I pleaded for her, but I didn’t got the chance with her, then she came and I thought maybe she is better choice from Allah, because I connected with her a lot more faster, and a whole lot stronger, and no she is going, and I am thinking it’s because of my Nashukri, even though I did Istikhara for her, and for the first time I got a yes in my dream, and later on a pump in my efforts, now I did Istikhara again but this time I got peace in my heart but pump in effort, like keep trying but with calmness or something.
Help me understand this situation better, is this Azaab because of Nashukri or something else, if yes then how do I repent for it, I don’t understand the situation I am in, and how do I seek help regarding it.
Answer
Wa‘alaykum as-salām wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuhu,
Understanding your situation requires deep introspection and a nuanced approach. Hereunder we offer advice on the components of your experience:
- Maintaining Connection Outside Nikāh: Messaging and keeping in contact with the opposite gender outside Nikāh is impermissible. Disobeying Allah’s commandments may lead to feelings of regret.
- Initial Pleading and Tahajjud: Your sincere supplication during Tahajjud for the first woman demonstrates your earnest desire and commitment. However, remember that while our du’ās are always heard, the outcomes may not align with our expectations. Allah knows what is best for us, even if it is not immediately clear. It is possible that the first woman was not good for you, just as you initially liked the second woman but later found she was not the best. Even with du‘ā, compatibility issues may emerge later.
- Istikhārah: The positive response in your initial Istikhārah regarding the second woman indicates you should pursue this relationship. However, subsequent Istikhārahs suggest a need for patience and effort with calmness. Istikhārah seeks guidance from Allah, and a feeling of peace is a sign to continue on the chosen path with trust in Allah’s wisdom.
- Feelings of Naashukri (Ingratitude): It is commendable that you’re reflecting on your past actions. Use this as a sign to follow the Islāmic procedure of getting to know a potential spouse through her Māḥārim and those who know her.
- Repentance and Seeking Guidance: Seek forgiveness from Allah, rectify any wrongs, and strive to improve your actions and intentions. Engage in regular supplication, Qur’an recitation, and other acts of worship to draw closer to Allah.
To summarize:
- Assess Your Actions and Intentions: Reflect on whether you acted out of genuine feelings and respect for both women.
- Trust in Allah’s Wisdom: Understand that outcomes may differ from our desires. Allah’s plan is beyond our understanding but always for our benefit.
- Seek Forgiveness and Guidance: If you feel there were mistakes, sincerely ask for Allah’s forgiveness and seek His guidance in all your affairs.
- Correct Procedure: Learn about a potential spouse through those who know her and only pursue further if there is compatibility.
In practical terms:
- Repentance: Perform sincere Tawbah. Pray two Rak’ahs of Salah al-Tawbah and ask Allah for forgiveness for any ingratitude or mistakes.
- Continued Supplication: Keep making du’ā for clarity and guidance. Ask Allah to open your heart to what is best for you.
- Patience and Effort: Trust Allah’s guidance and timing.
Ultimately, place your trust in Allah. His knowledge encompasses all that is unseen, and His mercy is boundless. May Allah guide you to what is best for you and grant you peace and contentment.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala knows best.