Question about dilemma on whom to marry

18 Apr 2021 Ref-No#: 2604

Assalamu Alaikum. Hope you are having an amazing day InshaAllah.
I am about to get married. My parents’ suggestion is one of my cousins, whose attitude, thinking, lifestyle etc. are Islamic. But I don’t have any emotion for her.
On the other hand, another cousin of mine, who is 25 years old, I like this girl since I was 13 years old. Although I don’t have any communication with her, still my emotion for her is very strong. Till this day, I don’t know why I am mentally attached to this mediocre girl. I have made so many dua, so that Allah helps me to forget her. I even did Khatme Jalali by myself in this regard (Dhikr of La Ilaha Illallah for 1,00,000 times). But despite all my dua and despite the distance I keep from her, I don’t seem to forget  her. However, this second girl is not (even near) as religious as the first.
It is clear that the first is the kind of woman one should get married with. But because of my weird strong (obsessive) emotion for the second, I might be sleeping beside the second and be thinking about the fisr. I have tried ‘Istekhara’, but I don’t understand the results.
Whom should I approach to marry? The Islamic woman, or the woman that I am obsessed with?


Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

When considering a spouse, piety should be the main priority.

Consider the following hadith:

عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه، عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: تنكح المرأة لأربع: لمالها ولحسبها وجمالها ولدينها، فاظفر بذات الدين، تربت يداك (صحيح البخاري – 7 / 7)

It is narrated from Abu Hurayra (radhiallahu ‘anhu) that Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her piety, so you should definitely try to marry the woman with piety.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 7 / 7)

Our advise is that you should marry the first girl. Insha Allah, after marriage, Allah will bless you with inclinations towards her, and you will forget about that second cousin. The acceptance of your 100 000 recitation will be manifest after the marriage, insha Allah.

Allah made Nikah itself a means to increase love and attraction between two individuals.   The Prophet (Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam) has said:

عن ابن عباس قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم  لم نر للمتحابين مثل النكاح

“We have not seen anything that creates love between two individuals such as nikah.”  (Ibn Majha)

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