Family conflict

13 Aug 2021 Ref-No#: 3244

My parents are middle class. I sometimes give money to my parents out of love for them.

I’m newly married. I provide enough to my wife regarding her food & clothing.
She is extravagant & wants to lead a more luxurious life, so nags every time I give money to my parents.

What should I do? Give my parents money without her knowledge? Spend entire money on my wife to provide her more luxury?


Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

Islām encourages a person to spend his (additional) wealth on others.  The permission or approval of another individual is not required.

The virtue is further enhanced when one spends on his own parents. Besides the reward of Sadaqah, a person will also be rewarded for strengthening family ties and being dutiful to his parents.

Since you are taking care of your wife and there is no shortcoming in that regard, It is incorrect for your wife to disapprove and object. You should continue spending on your parents.

Kindly consider the following steps to assist in this situation:

  • Communicating the issue with her
  • Empathizing with each other
  • Explaining to her the importance of spending on one’s parents
  • Making Duʿā for her

With that, every night you should read to her from the book Fadhail Sadaqaat. Once she hears the virtues of simplicity and the great reward of spending, she will insha Allah, stop objecting, and might even encourage you.

If the problem persists, you may seek the assistance of a local scholar who has experience in dealing with marital issues.

Lastly, with diplomacy and wisdom, you should notify her about the following prophetic traditions with regard to luxury and extravagance:

“Allah has forbidden for you, (1) to be undutiful to your mothers, (2) to bury your daughters alive, (3) to not to pay the rights of the others (e.g., charity, etc.) and (4) to beg of men (begging). And Allah has hated for you (1) vain, useless talk, or that you talk too much about others, (2) to ask too many questions, (in disputed religious matters) and (3) to waste the wealth (by extravagance).” [Bukhārī]

“Eat and drink, give charity, and wear clothes, as long as that does not involve any extravagance or vanity.” [Ibn Mājah]

“The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) passed by a dome-shaped structure at the door of a man among the Ansar and said: ‘What is this? ‘They said: ‘A dome that was built by so-and-so.’ The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘All wealth that is like this (extravagant) will bring evil consequences to its owner on the Day of Resurrection.’ News of that reached the Ansari, so he demolished it. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) passed by (that place) later on and did not see it. He asked about it and was told that its owner had demolished it because of what he had heard from him. He said: ‘May Allah have mercy on him, may Allah have mercy on him.’” [Ibn Mājah]

Verily Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Merciful. Say thou: O my bondsmen woo have committed extravagance against themselves, despair not in the mercy of Allah. Verily Allah will forgive the sins altogether. He is indeed the Forgiving, the Merciful. [Muslim]

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